I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
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He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
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I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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