i just made my gag reflex go away.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
