I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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