I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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