I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
