Im at strip club and am horny
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Acid is not a monday night drug
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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