Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
