Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
