The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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