Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
