I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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