So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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