I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize