I heard we made out
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
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