My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
