put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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