I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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