Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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