Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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