If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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