I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Randomize
