When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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