I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize