So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
