I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
