Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
