I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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