I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
