just come out here and I will go home with you...
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
