I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
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ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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