I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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