He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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