I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
