So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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