Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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