So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
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i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
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Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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