Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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