They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
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I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
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You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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