Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
