i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
