I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
