If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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