How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
