u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
