I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
