I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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