I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I need to align my fucking chakras
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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