What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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