3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
