New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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