is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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