So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
