gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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