I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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