how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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